Playing is More Than Just a Euphemism for Fucking

December 1, 2012

The Full Moon party in paradise sounded like just the thing to divert me for a weekend alone. Even after being here in Africa for years, our quiet insular family life meant that we didn't know about the fun right under our noses. The Full Moon party never came up. Neither did the local Lifestyle scene I recently heard about from Carla. So many missed opportunities!

Now with Ellen and the kids back in the US, I figured it was worth checking out the party, which happens at a resort about three hours away. I'd overheard a couple of women talking about it over dinner at the local sushi joint, and then heard about it again from friends two nights later. It was on the weekend closest to each full moon, and Saturday was it. That morning, I decided to go, threw some clothes and money in a ruck sack, and headed out to the ferry for the trip. I'd read online that the crowd is young but I'm feeling young at heart and certainly didn't want to pass up the experience. Dancing, music, skinny dipping in the moonlit ocean...I hadn't done anything like that in decades!

I checked into my room at the hotel next door to the resort, had dinner, and headed over when I heard the music cranking up around Ten o'clock. There was a floor show of acrobatic dancers, the usual Michael Jackson impersonator, and a growing crowd of young expat men and women and the usual local girls and gigilos for hire. Lots of people scoping each other out. I was impressed with the local guys. Dreadlocks and muscles and an air of easygoing sophistication, they were the perfect bait for horny expat women looking for that moment of blissful adventure in paradise, and they knew it.

I was aware that I was twice the age of most of the partiers, and watched the rituals unfold around me. There was the pretty older woman with long blond hair and a beaded handbag wearing a full length black cotton dress who caught my eye. But I just missed striking up a conversation as I paid for my drink, for when I sought her out she was already deep into meaningful conversation with a young local man, who didn't seem to care what she was talking about but was happy to drink what she was buying. Not much chance there for me to engage her in conversation, although I passed by a few times looking for an opening.

There were the British blokes who were already drunk when Michael Jackson started moonwalking, and they made a show of attempting to do the same near the back of the dance floor. They were convinced of their charm and good humor and desirability, although they were probably the only ones.

I eventually saw some faces I recognized but couldn't place, and a pretty Indian lady called my name from the dance floor. She and her friends were working on a project related to my own work, and we'd met in proper work attire, so it took me a few seconds to figure out the connection there under the moonlight on the beach with the afrobeat pounding in my ears. Hmm, lovely, I thought. Peni was there with Beth, Hali, and a few other ladies, as well as Charlie, a young guy who worked for the same firm but on another project The ladies were all in their late 20s I guessed, but they welcomed me into the dancing and soon I was part of the group. I was going easy on the booze, and so was Peni, but the rest seemed keen to make the most of the options the bar had to offer. Drinks, dancing, chatting over the loud music, and more dancing gave way to the suggestion of a swim. The ladies all had swimsuits on under their dresses, but Charlie and I didn't. I'd gone commando, so didn't even have undies, but frankly I didn't care, and Hali was already suggesting that swimsuits just weren't appropriate to the occasion. I'd already known that.

I dropped my pants and doffed my shirt without a second thought--I've never been shy about nudity--and headed into the refreshingly cool, calm ocean as the others made their own decisions. Charlie followed my lead, as did Hali, and once in the water, Beth's one piece came off. We swam out to a buoy and enjoyed the water while Peni, who stayed on the beach with our clothes, watched. She was the reserved one.

Charlie had drunk a lot and was obviously horny and pursuing anyone close to him, and the women were staying out of his reach but enjoying the tease. Aware that I could easily come across as a creepy older guy, I held back, watching the rituals again and keeping up a good humored banter. Even as we all came out laughing and joking and looking for our clothes, I sensed that this was all just flirting, and that none of the ladies were willing to go further. Peni in particular was getting squirrelly, staying close to her friends and not interested in my suggestion to sit on the beach to chat.

Once again I thought how nice it is in the Lifestyle party scene that sex is central and up front. The games and uncertainty and mixed signals and missed opportunities of this party and so many other social settings can be so hard to navigate. Should I pursue harder or back off? Do I come right out and ask and risk coming across as a creep? I respect the skills of the single minded ladykillers out there, but I'm just not that kind of guy. The art of seduction isn't easy for me when faced with a group of women who know there's safety in numbers. Nonetheless, I wasn't being all that subtle that I was interested in more than just the flirting.

Back we went to the dance floor, more drinks, another round of skinny dipping, search for lost sandals, more drinks. At one point Hali, a sexy Brit, asked me pointedly about my kids, not so subtly letting me know that I should behave myself, as she knew I was a married man. I would have set her straight if I thought it would make a difference, but it was clear that she and her friends were avoiding anything more intimate, and finally I decided to call it a night. It was almost Three o'clock in the morning, so I gave each lady a soft kiss on the cheek, thanked them for the enjoyable evening, and bid them goodnight. No sex on the beach, no "happy ending" to the full moon party, but I'd had fun with a bunch of younger women, had flirted and skinny dipped and danced as I hadn't in over 20 years. It was worth every minute.

And that's something I'm beginning to understand. The Lifestyle isn't just about having sex with others. Playing is often used euphemistically for fucking or other sexual activities. But playing with others is also just that. Playing. And that can be fun, too.

I've read in other blogs about the need to appreciate any erotic connection, sexual touch or just sexual tension, and not to focus too much on penetration and orgasm. There are so many ways to enjoy this, and I've realized that fixating on the fuck undervalues all of the other experiences that so enrich our erotic lives. I never would have flirted so much with other women before Ellen and I opened up.

Ellen and I are both having very different experiences. She's loving the fucks, and I am glad for that and envy her success. But I'm discovering that, in my fuckless adventures, I'm gaining memorable erotic experiences that enrich me, too. Oh, I definitely want to touch and lick and fuck other women, to enjoy their orgasms and my own, don't get me wrong. But in the absence of shared physical intimacy, I'm still having fun playing with others.

The Turmoil of Emotions, and the Thrill of the Tease

The last week or so has been really interesting, really challenging. Last night I had an amazing, fun, tease filled date with Carla, a MILF that I have hopes of becoming a FWB. There was no sex, but a whole lot of flirtation and subtle touching at a charity ball where plenty of people knew us as married to other partners. The knowledge that we were probably scandalizing others was part of the fun!

And two weeks ago, I had been at a conference in a nearby country and had fun sparks flying with a lovely single woman about Ellen’s age, with whom I will likely work more in the future. Unfortunately, professional considerations prevented me from pursuing her…yet. 

So many mixed emotions. The previous week had been a real struggle as I looked forward to my date with Carla while also feeling very funky about Ellen’s most recent club visit.

I have felt left out and pretty ambivalent as Ellen continued on her erotic journey at the club she visited with Kelly and friends last week—it’s all on her blog, Blissfully Open, where you can read about her fuck fest with Ron and Jake, and the rest of her fun-filled night. The fact that Ellen is so hot for cock is both great from an erotic compersive perspective while also a bit intimidating for me, and it’s hard to cope with given the physical distance between us, which we still have to deal with for a few more weeks. I’m still very envious and wish I could be there when she is having these experiences, to see her fuck and to take my own pleasure in it, but also to have my own fun with other women in the same place with her. I’ve realized that our initial expectation were different to some degree. Ellen is exploring the bounds of her sexuality and acting out her many fantasies—she’s only just begun, really—and largely doing it on her own, while I had always pictured us sharing the experience as much as possible. 

Knowing that Ellen feels inhibited around me is also hard, as it makes me feel like the old ball and chain. Knowing that my reactions over the last few weeks, which I’ve shared openly with her, also come across as a bucket of cold water tossed on the fires of her lust is also guilt inducing. I’m not proud of or happy with these emotions welling up inside me so unexpectedly. Ellen is being supportive and trying to understand, but I sense her frustration and know that it can easily morph into resentment. She’s made it clear that she likes this new lifestyle, which is in its own way a warning to me. And she’s as eager for me to play with other women as I am, so that I get over some of these issues. It certainly would help.

Reading Ellen’s blog post last night after my return from a very hot date with Carla, happy but also unsatisfied that it didn’t culminate in the sort of mind-blowing sex I know we could enjoy, was both fun and exasperating. It is so fucking easy for women! Ellen is beautiful and sexy, so any man in his right mind would jump her bones at the slightest invitation. I’m told I am a pretty good looking guy, charming, funny, smart, but the balance of power is simply not that easy, particularly when the relationship is not clearly predicated on an honest and open approach to sex, as it generally is in the adult social clubs and lifestyle scene.

So about my date.

Carla is in her mid-forties, the mother of a former schoolmate of our oldest child. She’s European, extroverted, and very attractive, with big bright eyes, great tits, and a body kept firm and lithe from regular yoga. Her husband, William is a strapping, handsome, slightly younger man whom I get along with well—he’s gruff and funny and smart. He also has been struggling with an injury that prevented him from accompanying Carla to an annual Celtic society charity ball. We had all gotten together at their flat for dinner last month before my visit home, and during clean up when William was resting in their bedroom and their son was off getting ready for bed, I’d told Carla about Ellen and me opening our marriage. She was intrigued but not exactly surprised, but my brief  hope of a potential playmate was deflated when she told me a story of when they had attended a large pool party at some friends house that turned out to be more friendly than either of them had expected. Carla and William had not stayed to partake in the play, she said.

So it was with some surprise that I got a text from Carla on my phone soon after returning from my visit home, asking me if I would be her date for the ball since William wasn’t up to it, yet. She even said that I was her “first choice.” Intriguing. I shared this with Ellen and we both determined that it couldn’t be all that coincidental, especially since we were certain that Carla would have shared news of our new lifestyle with William.

It was with much anticipation but restrained expectation that I ventured out last night. Carla had told me to meet up at their flat, as we would catch a lift downtown with some mutual friends, Hank and Mona. They seem like a pretty conventional couple, and I wondered if they were to be our chaperones. Then again, as I’d learned during Ellen’s and my weekend together at the club, you really can’t tell by appearances if a couple is into the lifestyle. Not for the first time I wished there was a secret handshake!

I arrived just as William was pulling into the parking lot, having run an errand. Their son Thomas was riding around on his bike, and we chatted briefly before heading up to their flat. I walked in behind Thomas and beheld a 21^st century vision of Debra Harry. There stood Carla wearing a sequined sleeveless micro-dress and high heeled shoes that emphasized her long, toned legs. She looked hot, and she knew it. And I complemented her in as neutral a tone as I could, but she saw the look in my eyes that told her I wasn’t saying everything. We joked about kids getting used to seeing their moms in sexy outfits—Carla has always enjoyed flaunting her lovely figure and deep cleavage, even when at school, and Ellen has recently been questioned by our own kids about her selection of revealing dresses. Soon, Carla got a text that Hank and Mona were just around the corner, so after saying good night and leaving William and Thomas to their dinner, Carla and I headed down to the gate to await our lift.

We piled into the back seat of the SUV and made small talk with Mona and Hank on the short drive downtown to the hotel where the ball was held. I wondered to myself if I should have booked a room, which I knew other people did rather than driving home intoxicated—not a wise thing to do in any country. But then again, I had a perfectly comfortable one-bedroom flat of my own, and there were always taxis to whisk us away if the opportunity arose.

Walking in with my hand lightly resting in the small of Carla’s back, we found a foyer filled with people in tuxedos, kilts—this being largely an expat evening—and women in evening gowns. Carla got lots of looks, as she was wearing by far the most revealing dress. She loved the attention, and had fun introducing me as her date, explaining that William was still healing. I played right along, and enjoyed the surprise on the faces of people I knew, some of whom asked after Ellen. We chatted with various friends and acquaintances for a while and at one point, spotting one of my sons’ former teachers who was looking our way, I leaned close to Carla and whispered that I enjoyed the scandal we seemed to be causing. She laughed and her eyes sparkled with agreement—she was having a blast.

We found our table, introduced ourselves to the tablemates we didn’t know—Hank and Mona were sitting across from us at the ten-person round table—and broke open the whiskey that was a featured part of the evening. Around the table it went. I poured myself a small shot, determined to go easy, but Carla poured herself a double. There were the requisite opening ceremonies and music and a boring speech by an ambassador, and then dinner was served. Carla sat on my right and we chatted with various people but also a lot with each other, leaning in close and speaking into each others’ ear when the music was loud. I drew her close at times, touching her lightly on the shoulder. Her foot or long calf was often in contact with my leg. And because our table was right at a top corner of the dance floor and we were on that side of the table, our flirting and touching was in clear view of many other people.

At one point I found myself leaning in close to Carla as we talked to a pretty acquaintance of hers—another lovely mom, and I noticed that this friend was looking at me with a great deal of interest. I returned the look, and she smiled flirtatiously and blushed. Later I made eye contact across the dance floor with a sassy and adorable young lady whose brother had bought our boat earlier this year, and she walked clear across the room to chat with me after an exchange of cheek kisses. Then there was the tall Irish beauty whom I spent some time talking to, along with her equally tall and dashing diplomat boyfriend.

Once the food was cleared, it was time for traditional dances. This was a Celtic ball, and I have always loved Celtic dancing and music ever since I learned to square dance in elementary school. Carla was also very keen, and even though neither of us knew the steps, the female vocalist who led the band took everyone through the basic maneuvers before the music started, and then off we set to the sounds of fiddles and drums, figuring it out as we went along. I found I was still pretty good, and what I lacked in skill I made up for in enthusiasm. Carla was great fun as a dance partner—she is carefree and doesn’t mind the occasional muddle of confusion. So we danced and worked up a sweat and danced some more until we both needed a break—the room was heating up! As we worked our way through the crowd to our seats, I pulled a handkerchief from my pocket to mop my brow, and Carla took it from me, moist with my sweat, and dabbed her brow and neck. Glancing across the table I noticed an ice bucket, which I reached over and plucked up. I took an ice cube from it and ran it across my neck, enjoying the chilling relief, and decided to share. I laid the ice cube on Carla’s bare thigh and rubbed it gently, trailing it up and down her crossed legs. She let out a throaty sigh and said “that feels good.” It sure did.

But I was soon interrupted by another woman who needed a dance partner, and off I went for another round. I was loving the attention of so many women! It had been ages since I’d really noticed anyone’s interest in me, in part because I just didn’t look. After all, I was a married man. But the awareness around the room that I was there without Ellen and with another married woman seemed to give me a certain aura of the forbidden that was attracting women’s attention. For the first time in my life, I was the “bad boy.” And I really liked it!

As the evening wore on the whiskey bottles went around and Carla kept drinking—she was certainly feeling no pain, while I was still trying for moderation. The caressing touches and intimate cheek-to-cheek conversations continued and finally I asked Carla if she wanted to stay or whether she was ready to leave—I could call a taxi. She glanced over at Hank and Mona and noticed Hank checking the time on his phone. “I think they’ll be ready to go, soon,” Carla said. Ah, the chaperones.

Eventually we all migrated to the exit, saying good night and still catching interesting looks. I walked with Carla and Mona down to the lobby while Hank went for the car—he has diplomatic plates, and also had been going easy on the booze. Once he pulled up, the doorman opened doors and Carla hopped in and scooted across the back seat, making room for me. The ride home was more small talk about kids, and I struggled with whether to whisper an invitation into Carla’s ear to join me at my flat—I was to be dropped first. I lightly caressed Carla’s knee and she let me, but didn’t respond with any sign of invitation for more, even though I was keen to explore beneath her dress in the darkness of the backseat. I felt suddenly very self conscious with Hank and Mona talking away about boring routine things. Carla’s eyelids were heavy and I could see she’d had too much to drink, and I also didn’t want to put her or the others in an awkward position. I decided not to pursue it. Not yet. As we arrived outside my flat, I thanked Mona and Hank and said goodnight, then Carla and I exchanged lingering moist kisses on either cheek and I thanked her for a lovely evening. I sensed a certain ambivalence from her as I got out of the car, and berated myself for letting my courage fail me. 

As soon as I got into the flat, I sent Carla a text message that said, “Thanks for a wonderful evening. You were a great date and looked absolutely amazing. If I had the slightest hint of your willingness, I would have asked you to come in with me but I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position around Hank and Mona. Nick.”

I figured that it couldn’t hurt. If the whole evening was nothing but a tease and a way to spice up Carla’s and William’s sex life, I didn’t care—I’d had a blast discovering my inner bad boy and titillating Carla, myself, and many others. But I still have a few weeks left before heading home, and am not yet ready to give up trying to get into Carla’s panties.

As I settled into bed, a bit regretful but also very contented from a truly enjoyable date, I wondered if Ellen had updated her blog on the previous weekend, as I knew she’d been working on it. I picked up my iPad and, sure enough, there were all the glorious and troubling details of her escapades. My emotions churned yet again as I read it and I spent a restless night with competing images of Ellen riding and sucking other men’s cocks and the memory of Carla’s firm smooth thighs warm beneath my fingers and the enticing mental images of what lay beyond the hem of her tiny sequined dress.

Going and Coming Together

A week after Ellen enjoyed her solo trip to the Halloween party with 500 other people all playing, fucking, sucking, fingering, and coming, we headed out together for our first overnight couples’ evening at the same adult social club. I was looking forward to seeing the place and experiencing the openness and honesty and hot sex that Ellen had so enjoyed.

We had talked about our options, as there are two places Ellen had visited within a few hours’ drive that cater to the lifestyle we were exploring. The first one she’d visited on her own is more of a night club atmosphere with loud music and lots of energy, but less social engagement, whereas the one that hosted the Halloween party was larger but more focused on the social element as well as sex, and likely to be less crowded this time. We decided to opt for the second, as it would be my first time and I wanted to meet and talk with people, which is hard for me with a lot of loud music. Between us, I am the one who seems to invest more meaning into sex—I’ve always been a romantic and never really cared for the casual fuck. Or so I’ve always thought. Maybe with the security and trust I have with Ellen, the casual fuck with someone else might hold more appeal.

Before we set off, we met my brother for lunch and to hand the boys over to his care. He had asked where we were going for the evening, and Ellen and I glanced at each other and at the boys who were within earshot, and I said, vaguely, “a club”.  He raised his eyebrows but didn’t pursue it, which left me feeling a bit strange. I decided he deserved a more honest answer, especially since he had watched the kids the first time Ellen went to a club solo, and he and his wife have remarked on Ellen’s new look and sparkle. So we had a few moments to talk in private and I told him about our decision to open our relationship and explore sex with other people, both together and individually. He wasn’t too surprised and was very accepting but had lots of questions, some of which I could answer, many I couldn’t since we’ve only just started. I was happy but not surprised by his reaction—he’s never been judgmental. And it felt good to be honest with him, since this is important to Ellen and me, and we don’t like being secretive. Ellen had told a number of her old friends, and they were mildly surprised or curious but didn’t seem to be overly judgmental either.

So off we went, making a few stops along with way to do a little shopping. I needed a decent shirt to wear and Ellen wanted to check out some clothes too, since she still didn’t have much of a wardrobe that fit her slimmed down sexy body. We also dropped by a sex store to browse the toys and lingerie, Ellen tried on a few outfits, and I bought a set of cock rings that I’d been considering for a while.

We changed into our club wear in a Home Depot parking lot, which was kind of funny, but we weren’t sure we could or should change at the club. Ellen looked great, in a skimpy dress, sexy bra and panties, and fuck-me boots. We got to the club a little early and paid our membership dues—we’d decided to join—and the fee for the evening, brought our bags up to the sleeping room, and looked around the public area of the club. It was modern with lots of wood, a little reminiscent of the 70s, but tasteful, with multiple levels and inner balconies. We were waiting around for the orientation, which was mandatory for first-time visitors. Ellen stayed with me for the orientation even though she’d been through it before, which I appreciated. I was trying to be cool and casual, but we were both a little uptight. I knew I was an inhibitor for Ellen, and I was a total newbie at this scene whereas she’d already delved in. We both knew that we needed to try this together even if it might not be as adventuresome the first time around as we might like. We both were trying to keep our expectations of the evening modest. I hoped Ellen would feel free to play with others as she’d already done, and I'd told her so, but she wanted us to go slowly.

There were only a few other new people at the orientation, and it promised be a fairly low-key night. The orientation included club rules which are all about making people, and especially women, feel safe and able to explore and play without worrying about losing control. Men are most definitely second-class citizens at this particular club, which I found to be a wise decision—I know how threatening aggressive horny men can be, and was glad that Ellen was made to feel comfortable there on her own. They also stressed that heavy drinking was discouraged; another wise choice to keep the atmosphere relaxed and safe.

As a group we toured the play areas. I saw the shared locker room, toilet stalls and showers, the many different beds and cushioned areas, the curtained niches, the froggy chairs, a swing, the mirror room, the hot tubs, and everywhere bowls of condoms. It was a nice warm place, clean and comfortable and designed for intimate fun and pleasure. There was a big screen TV with porn showing on a continuous loop, a gas fireplace, tasteful erotic art on the walls, soft romantic lighting, and places with curtains for the shy as well as lots of open arrangements, too. I especially liked seeing the froggy chair where Ron had fucked Ellen to an earth-shattering orgasm in front of so many onlooker the week before. Being able to picture it better in my head was definitely a turn-on.

We heard the rules, talked with the manager and his partner a bit, and I gradually began relaxing thanks to the very frank, light-hearted conversations.

After orientation, it was time for dinner. There seemed to be around 60-70 people, mostly couples but also a few single women, along with a variety of volunteers and staff. They looked like a cross-section of society, though mostly white. There were younger couples, middle-aged couples, grandparents, a Latino couple, thin people and fat, hefty and svelt, bald and hairy, tall and short, even physically disabled. Most people seemed to know each other to some extent and a number of people seemed to recognize Ellen, including Phil, whom she had declined to play with at the Halloween party due to fatigue and overstimulation post froggy chair. I could see why she was intrigued by him. He had a very warm and friendly manner, and a playful twinkle in his eye.

We were seated at a table for four with a couple who were members but not regulars, and chatted lightly about nothing in particular. The woman was in her 50s, I’d guess, dressed provocatively in corset, g-string, stockings and high heels, with a coat draped over her shoulders for warmth. She was very thin but also muscular in kind of a sinewy way. Her gregarious partner was dressed casually in shirt and jeans. A big man, you could tell he’d once been strong and strapping, but in middle age was going a bit soft. Comparing notes with Ellen later, neither of them held appeal as playmates for either of us, but it was interesting to chat with them.

Dinner was tasty and there was plenty of wine, although neither of us wanted to drink much. Alcohol is an impediment on my performance and I wanted to avoid anything that would diminish our fun. We tried not to overeat, too, so that we wouldn’t be slowed down by post-feast lethargy.

At one point, Ellen pointed out Phil at the table next us. He was making a play for the cute single woman who had been in the orientation. She was interested, too.

Ellen also pointed out a couple to me, Lora and Dean. Lora was about Ellen’s age and striking, with a slim body, tight ass and big tits, and long blond hair. Dean was about six feet tall and beefy, bald, but handsome in a rugged way. “That’s the couple I played with last week,” Ellen said. I looked and looked again, trying to be casual but apparently failing, since Ellen said, “don’t stare.” I certainly understood why Ellen had found Lora so appealing, and was struck by the image of her blond head between Ellen’s legs lapping her sweet wet pussy while Ellen sucked Dean’s cock.

Well, my bawdy thoughts were soon diverted by a birthday song for the founder of the club, who got a special dessert of naked lady—the woman who had checked us in—with a selection of toppings. She stretched out on a table and he (and his wife) proceeded to top her with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, nuts, cherries…which he then licked from her tits, from her belly and thighs, from her hairless pussy. At one point a banana made an appearance and partial disappearance. He ate some of that, too. It was a lot of fun to watch, and the crowd cheered and laughed and egged them all on. You could feel the sense of happy raunchiness and easygoing fun that united the whole room—it was a great introduction to the honest and open sexy sociability that has made the club so popular and well-known in the lifestyle community.

After dessert, the music started and people headed out onto the dance floor. Lora and Dean are great dancers and had a lot of fun twirling and strutting their stuff, but I was struck by a younger couple who were moving in a strangely alluring way. The man was slim and bald and slightly stopped shouldered, at least when dancing, and he was running is hands all over his wife’s taut body, slowly hiking up the hem of her short tight dress and exposing her shapely ass and, as she turned, her shaved pussy. She had a pixy haircut and small firm tits and was very attractive, but moved in an unusual way. Ellen told me that they’d been at the Halloween party and she’d learned that they both had physical disabilities—she told me what they were—and then it made sense. And in a way, that knowledge made them even sexier. I really liked watching them. And it was very apparent that they liked being watched.

There were a few other couples that caught my eye, including a pretty young woman and her partner who was, well, kind of average looking, with a bit of a belly. But he had that same twinkle in his eye that I was seeing in so many faces around the room. And she had a Midwestern girl-next-door look, with a lovely fresh face and a shapely body. Young, but enticing. I didn’t say anything to Ellen—I was a bit unsure of how to broach that subject—but I hoped to see the couple later, even if it was to look and not touch.

Ellen and I danced a little, and, inspired by some of the other couples, I moved in close for a more sensual dance, but Ellen drew back and shook her head. She wasn’t ready for dirty dancing or PDAs, at least not yet. I was a little surprised, but then I have always been a freer spirit when dancing, and that’s never really worked for Ellen, who tends to be more reserved…which is kind of funny given her performance on the froggy chair the previous week. But we all have our contradictions and I know Ellen can be less inhibited with near strangers than with the people closest to her. So I backed off and we danced and people-watched and soon noticed more and more people heading upstairs to the play areas. Ellen suggested that we go change and settle into a hot tub. I liked that idea.

After disrobing and grabbing towels, we headed out to the hot tub and found it already occupied by three other couples. I sat next to a large man who had to be at least in his mid-seventies, and his partner was a heavy-set woman who was younger than Ellen, who is in her mid-forties. The other two couples were also well over sixty. We settled into the water and introduced ourselves and chatted for a while about where people lived, how often they came to the club; the usual light chitchat among naked strangers who would end up watching each other fuck, or even fuck each other. Indeed, we eventually saw each of them in some Kama Sutra variation and combination.

Ellen told me later that there was only one couple, across from us, who she might have been interested in, and they ended up next to us in the sleep room later on. He was a handsome older man, and she was a lively older woman, neither in great shape, but who is at their age? Hell, who is at our age? And that’s one of the things Ellen had told me to be prepared for—people in this lifestyle are farthest thing from a Hollywood version of beautiful people swingers. But regardless of body type, shape, size, or age, they all enjoyed sex with complete ease, and that made it more real and honest and relaxed. I liked that a lot. Perhaps I’ll be able to break through my society-encoded biases about what is sexy after all. I’d like to, which a step in the right direct, even if the programming is deeply engrained in the lizard brain.

We were joined by another couple who wanted to squeeze into the remaining space. Ellen moved closer to me and the woman settled in tightly next to her. It wasn’t long before Ellen said she was getting over heated and need to get out, and I was thinking the same. I also noticed a hand on Ellen’s knee that wasn’t hers or mine—the woman next to her was lightly caressing her, but it wasn’t welcome and actually was breaking one of the cardinal rules of the club—ask before you touch. So we got out and dried off and headed inside. After a pee break and quick shower to get rid of the chlorine smell of the hot tub, we went back to the sleeping room and Ellen donned her lingerie while I wrapped a towel around myself. I preferred to use a sarong or something else for walking around the play area, but had forgotten to bring anything so a spare towel would suffice. We needed the towel in the playroom anyway, since it was supposed to be under us to avoid a mess on the beds or cushions.

We walked through the lower area where the fire place and TV were. There was no one around except someone getting a massage—the real kind with an actual therapist who only played when she wasn’t working. So we headed up the stairs and walked around—there were at least a dozen couples engaged or watching from various beds and perches. We watched a little but Ellen suggested we settle into a an upper platform bed where we could watch the show around us, so we did. I found it to be stimulating and distracting at the same time. A woman somewhere was having very loud pleasure, what sounded like hiccups at one point. Across from us the couple who’d I watched on the dance floor were vigorously fucking on the froggy chair that Ellen had enjoyed, and it was amazing to watch him tirelessly thrusting into her and listen to her moans of pleasure—the two almost seemed to be performing.

I was ready for some fun, and started kissing and licking Ellen from the mouth to her neck and down her body. I was conscious that this was a typical path for me, and I didn’t want to fall into our usual pattern, so I tried to make some changes, asking her to lay on her belly so I could enjoy licking and massaging her beautiful ass. I sensed that Ellen was having trouble relaxing so I tried to go slow and easy. Soon I was between her lovely cheeks and teasing her pussy with my fingers. I gently touched her anus which she’s always liked but knew she wouldn’t want us to go too far there—she loves getting fucked in the ass but she hadn’t seen any anal sex at either club yet and didn’t want to be that adventuresome, at least not yet. So we repositioned so that I had better access to Ellen’s sweet honeypot.

My cock was stirring, as it usually does when I’m eating Ellen’s pussy. The taste and smell of a woman’s cunt is something I have loved since the first time I dipped a tentative finger into the tight virginal pussy of my first girlfriend when we were both fourteen. I dipped a finger into Ellen, then two, and wondered not for the first time how she would react if I gently kept adding more fingers until my entire hand slipped in past the knuckles and was inside her. I’ve never mentioned it to her, but I know she’s going to read this.

Ellen seemed to enjoy my fingers and tongue for a while, and I enjoyed being watched as other people walked slowly by and stopped to linger. It was definitely a turn on to be so exposed, but distracting too. One woman walked past a few times and seemed to be seeking an invitation but I didn’t know whether Ellen would be interested and wasn’t even sure I was ready for that.

After eating and finger fucking Ellen for a little while I could tell she was plateauing. She wasn’t going to catch fire and come yet, and sure enough, she signaled that she’d had enough for now. I moved up and we cuddled some and watched the couples around us. Phil and the woman he’d pursued had ended up in a nearby bed, and obviously had fun. But now he was hugging and comforting her as she seemed to be crying. I said something to Ellen and she said that maybe it was just too intense, and that’s how she reacts. It seemed to be a very tender moment between them, so I figured she was right.

By now my erection had dwindled, and Ellen needed to pee. There was a toilet nearby and since I couldn’t be left alone—unaccompanied men aren’t allowed in the play area—I had to either go with her or be handed over to another woman. The toilet was occupied but the pretty woman I’d seen earlier was sitting on the bench outside the toilet, and I asked if she would look after me while Ellen peed. She smiled and agreed. Her husband soon emerged and Ellen went in to pee while the three of us made small talk. I learned they were from Canada, and they seemed pleasant and maybe even a little interested, but soon Ellen was back and didn’t really engage so they strode away.

We settled back onto the bed and Ellen soon had my cock in her hand, gently stroking me. As I watched other couples, watched people walk by and glance at us there on the bed, and listened to a woman’s loud moans from somewhere nearby, I was a bit overwhelmed, and it wasn’t effecting me they way I’d expected. I was soft, and even Ellen’s gentle caresses weren’t doing it for me. We were both surprised to see that it wasn’t really working. I didn’t understand it at all—the sights and sounds were arousing, being watched was one of my fantasies, and watching others was, too. So what the hell?

We took a break. Ellen was thirsty and I wanted to try a little pharmacological help, which was a first for me. I’d brought along the Viagra I’d gotten months earlier and never used, and I downed a pill, hoping I wouldn’t be among the small percentage of men who have a bad reaction. My pride was a bit shaken but I tried to shrug it off—everything was so new and neither of us was all that relaxed.

We went down to get some juice from the self-serve fountain and settled at a table to watch the people out dancing. Vicky came by, the woman Ellen had met and played with a little last time. They chatted and Ellen introduced me, but Vicky didn’t seem at all interested in talking to me, which was odd. We also saw Lora and Dean, and they, too, never approached us even though Lora had certainly made eye contact with Ellen during the evening. Maybe everyone knew I was a newbie and wanted to be careful, or maybe this was just people’s quirks.

We also chatted with a flirtatious woman who we’d watch stripping on the dance floor earlier and seen fucking upstairs. She was attractive in a cute sort of way, but her young partner seemed totally absorbed and distant, so although she was interested in playing with us, we could tell it wasn’t his thing and we weren’t sure how to react. By now I was getting a nice tingling sensation in the groin that gave some hope of better things to come, and soon we were heading back up to the play area. We wandered around and watched for a little while, and then I was ready to settle down again. I saw an interesting couple in a lower bed fucking hard and long, and two beds side by side with the pretty young Canadian woman straddling her partner on one. The bed next to them was free and I decided I liked the location and the view. 

This time, my cock cooperated and Ellen was able to relax and we got in the groove, watching and being watched. I fucked Ellen from on top and then we switched and she took control and started moving and grinding and I looked over to see the pretty woman sucking her man’s cock and heard the other couple moaning as the man drove into his woman doggy style again and again with a slapping sound as his thighs smacked against her ass cheeks.  I craned my head back to watch them but was distract as I felt Ellen begin to tremble in that way that I know is a prelude to orgasm, and I saw the couple watching us and I looked over at the bed next to us and now he was fucking his pretty wife from behind and Ellen went over the top and came and we all watched as she bucked and trembled and it all began to blur together in a sensuous fog of moans and tits and cocks and slaps and gasps and Ellen was coming again and I lost track of time as I was churning and shaking and riding that wave that balances so keenly between intense pleasure and the point of no return and I rode it as Ellen rode me and I wondered whether I should hold off but I suddenly didn’t care and we both let it break over us as we came together long and hard.

It was one of the most intense experiences I have ever had. “We liked watching you” said the man who had been pile driving the woman in the lower bed. The couple beside us also seemed sated—I vaguely remembered gasps and moans emanating from their direction, too. We all chuckled and I felt a shared intimacy that was wonderful. At that point I would have loved to ask the pretty woman beside us if I could go down on her sweet pussy, but I just wasn’t able to think clearly and also wasn’t certain how Ellen would react. She told me later that she wasn’t interested in playing with him, which I guess I’d sensed. 

The moment passed. Ellen and I went off to shower and she said she was ready for bed. I wasn’t quite certain I was finished and she told me I didn’t need to come to bed if I didn’t want to, so I decided to settle onto the sofa near the stairs to the upper playroom and see what opportunities might arise since I couldn’t venture up alone.

But it was late and people seemed to be heading home. Lora and Dean had already departed, and I noticed the young Canadian couple showering and getting dressed—I was sad to see them go. I sat listening to the music for a while, enjoying the gas fireplace and trying to ignore the porn on the big TV—it seemed too crude compared to what I had just experienced.  A Springsteen song came on, and then Dust in the Wind, that mournful anthem from my youth, and I decided I was too tired anyway, it was time for bed, even though the tingle in my groin told me I could go another round.

I headed off to the sleeping room, which consisted of foam pads lined up with whatever sheets and blankets and pillows members brought themselves. We had forgotten sheets but had a cozy blank each. The attractive older couple from the hot tub had settled down next to us, and although he’d made eye contact with Ellen earlier suggesting we play, she’d not pursued it and now we were all tired. Besides, the sleeping rooms were only for sleeping. Another good rule.

I barely slept. Like Ellen’s earlier experiences, I was exhausted but so over stimulated I couldn’t drift off until very late, and even then it was just fitful dozing. At some point the couple next to us disappeared for a while and then came back—another round of play maybe? How do they do it, I wondered!

I drifted off again, and dozed until the barest of twilight glowed outside the windows, and Ellen stirred and so did the other couple and we all got up and headed to the showers and back to pack up. We chatted with them a bit, and I wondered what was going on upstairs, but I didn’t sense Ellen was interested. I was exhausted and hungry and wanting coffee. We wandered around downstairs—few people were stirring, and the staff weren’t around yet, which meant breakfast wouldn’t be served for hours. We decided not to wait, so pack up the car and headed into the city, where we found a delicious breakfast and strong coffee at a neighborhood café. We chatted there in public holding a precious secret of shared intimacy between us. I looked around the café and wondered who among us was also into open relationships and group sex and exhibitionism and voyeurism. The people in that café looked like a cross-section of society—just like the people at the club.

I’m glad we went together, and thinking about it I’m pretty impressed that Ellen and I fucked in the middle of a room with couples fucking around us and others watching and we came hard and long together. That was a huge step for us, and even if we didn’t play with others, it made the evening a milestone in our relationship. We both still have inhibitions around each other, and might have more fun alone—I know Ellen has thus far. But I also know that if we don’t share this together, we’ll miss the opportunity to deepen our understanding of each other, our communication, and our trust. Only by confront our hang-ups can we move beyond them.

We’ve agreed to go again, and only wish we didn’t have to wait nearly two months before we have the chance. But I’m traveling again, and Ellen has the boys and my brother is busy for now, so wait we will. But Ellen has already made a reservation for around New Years, which is another huge party, and I’m hoping we can get childcare so that we can go together. Ellen wants me to choose a man to fuck her while I watch, and I'd like to fuck her mouth at the same time. Ultimately I'd like to fuck her ass at the same time, and I know she wants that, too. But one step at a time.

You can read Ellen’s version of the evening on her blog –  Blissfully Open

Orgasmic Halloween

"After dinner and the costume contest (amazing costumes!), I watched as R & N and a couple all began finger fucking and giving each other hand jobs at the dinner table..."

That's from Ellen's description of her Halloween party with hundreds of other lifestylers at an adult social club in our area.

Ellen had asked to go even though I was to arrive home the day before the party after two long months away. She'd been invited by Kelly and really wanted to experience the club, which is famous in the sex-positive, open relationships lifestyle community, and the Halloween party was one of the biggest events of the year. We both knew I would be too jetlagged to go, and after her first experience, I knew Ellen was itching to go out again without me. Besides, we'd had a very satisfying fuck the night I got home--our first since we'd started down this road.

The evening I arrived home from Africa, Ellen had modeled her sexy cop uniform--the only thing she could find locally that fit her well--as well as her new club wear, lingerie and fuck-me-boots, and she certainly looked hot. I'd teased her about the sexy cop idea when she first told me about it, but the costumes we'd looked at together online during an earlier Skype hadn't arrived in time for the party, so she was stuck with what could be found nearby. Well, once I saw her in the outfit, with fishnet stockings and fuck-me-boots and her ass cheeks peeking out from under the flared skirt, I ate crow and wanted to eat her, too (which I got to do later--yum). I had no doubt she was going to have fun at the party, and even though I was envious that she'd get to go before me, I was happy to see her excitement and eagerness. It also made for great foreplay, and I was soon on her with more energy than either of us expected after the long trip and little sleep.

The next day, Ellen was planning to leave before noon to run some errands and then meet up with Kelly and two other women that Kelly was introducing to the club, and together they would drive the few hours to the party. I helped Ellen take her bags to the car, and felt the strangeness of the situation. So did Ellen, who was obviously nervous about leaving me--this was the first time she'd had to face me and say goodbye with the intent of going off to fuck other people! I hugged her and we kissed and I told her to have fun, but I too felt odd, and a little ambivalent--it was a very novel situation for us both.

I spent the day catching up with my sons and resting, cooked a nice dinner and read a long delayed bedtime story, then got the boys in bed and headed to bed myself, trying to picture what Ellen was doing. I was too exhausted to think about it much, and slept like a baby.

Early the next morning--it was probably around four o'clock--I was wide awake and wondering whether Ellen would still be up, still be playing. I didn't expect to hear from her anytime soon--she'd said she would be home in the afternoon, and cell phones weren't allowed in the club for privacy reasons. Still, I couldn't help checking messages just in case, which had become a habit every morning when I was away. Nothing.

The morning passed quickly. I took the dog on a long walk before the boys were awake, and then after breakfast we all went on a bike ride (them) and run (me and the dog) together. I took care of a few honey-do chores that had been awaiting my arrival, we had lunch, and all the while I wondered whether Ellen was awake yet, whether she'd fucked again in the morning. I knew from her previous time that if she'd had fun the night before that she'd be tired but horny again in the morning, and since the party didn't end until 11 in the morning--they served breakfast--there would certainly be an opportunity. I wasn't sure how I felt about the idea of seeing Ellen just hours after she'd been fucked. Kind of a turn on, but plenty of ambivalence, too.

Well, she called around two o'clock. She was about an hour away and wanted to know if she should pick up anything on the way home. She sounded tired but energized and happy. I could tell she'd had fun, and told her to come on home--I was eager to see her and hear about her experience.

When Ellen pulled up in the driveway the boys and dog ran out to meet her. I finished up the chore I'd been working on and went out, too. With kids around, we couldn't say much, and there was a hesitancy for both of us. But we helped her with her bags and all went into the house, where we all chatted while Ellen unpacked. The boys knew she'd been to a costume party and didn't seem interested in much more. They don't really understand Ellen's new interest in skimpy dresses and high-heeled shoes--she's always worn comfortable casual clothes and shoes when not working, and even her business attire emphasized comfort. But girl things just aren't very interesting to them yet--that's still a few years away. They have wondered a bit about this new idea of Mommy going away for the night, but we have both assured them that it's okay--mommies need to escape once in a while and have fun with other adults, especially when daddies are away a lot. We just don't define our version of fun. But we both know that someday we'll be faced with a lot more questions--our younger son is very insightful and misses very little.

After a while, the boys went off to play and we were alone. We sat on the bed as Ellen described the car trip with the other women, the club, the costumes, all of the people--there were over 500 at the party! She told me that after orientation and dinner and the costume competition--all of which she relished--people started disappearing into the play areas. She told me that when she arrived and went to change into her costume in the sleeping room, she saw Ron and Nora, one of the couples she had met and fucked the previous time, but neither seemed to recognize her! At least not until she'd undressed down to her sexy bra and panties, at which point Ron (the well-endowed older man with the bag of toys she'd particularly enjoyed that first time a few weeks before) who was standing very close already, looked at her and said "I remember that bra!"

After dinner, as people began disappearing, Ellen and another single woman named Vicky sat chatting. Vicky had been introduced to Ellen by Kelly as someone who had met Bill before, and both were interested in fucking each other but hadn't had the chance yet. So Ellen and Vicky both had that in common, but Ellen thought it very strange that Kelly--Bill's wife--was the one making the introductions! Ellen and Vicky ended up dancing and after a while decided that, since they were both bi-curious, they'd go up and play with each other. But after some kisses and licks and nibbles and caresses, they both decided it wasn't really working--neither was very responsive to the other, and Ellen told me that after her first encounter with Nora and another woman during her five-some previously, and now Vicky, she began wondering if the whole bisexual thing just wasn't for her. She would soon find out.

Eventually Ellen went up to the sleeping room to change out of her costume and into lingerie she likes to wear when walking around in the play area. She began exploring and found the mass of bodies and the lines of naked people waiting to find room to play a fascination. Enjoying her voyeurism, she watched for a while, especially a white woman being fucked a very long time by a series of black men as her husband watched, and another mass of people centered on a group of black men. They interested her and she said that one reminded her of a boyfriend she'd had in college. They stood out because there just wasn't much ethnic diversity in the crowd. One of the men caught her eye invitingly but the mass of people was too daunting and Ellen didn't know how or where to get involved. Fortunately she didn't have to wait long to figure it out.

As Ellen was wandering around the crowded play area, she felt a stroke on her thigh and turned to see a beautiful woman looking up at her with an inviting expression from the curtained cubicle Ellen was walking past. She'd noticed the woman and her husband fucking before and now was invited to join them--she learned later that they rarely played with other people. But the woman was gorgeous and Ellen was more than happy to join them. The woman helped Ellen out of her corset and panties. Ellen wrote later, "She was absolutely hot. No question about it. I found her to be very desirable..." This time, Ellen's bi-curiosity was rewarded as they kissed and caressed each other--Ellen really enjoyed kissing her and sucking her tits--and the woman went down on her.

At this point in Ellen's tale I really wanted details, and asked for more but Ellen bristled a bit and told me she felt like she was being interrogated. I felt snubbed, which hurt a little, and it was an uncomfortable moment when our reactions could have derailed the whole thing. I really wanted the details because that's the only way I can participate in her experience when we aren't together. Ellen had said before that she didn't think she'd want to know details if I played with others, but I had explained that details were what made it exciting for me.

Anyway, I tried to see it from her perspective--this conversation was not easy for her to have face-to-face. The last time, we were 9,000 miles apart and on Skype, but without the video since the connection wasn't good. She'd never had to look me in the eye and describe her fucking other people. So I backed off.

After the tense moment passed, Ellen continued her story. While Ellen was enjoying the woman eating her pussy, the man asked Ellen if she wanted to suck his cock, which she did. Soon, he asked to fuck her, and Ellen agreed with the condition that he wear a condom (one of our agreed rules), while the woman sucked Ellen's tits before disappearing to go pee. This nonplussed the man--his wife had never left him alone during play before--but he continued fucking Ellen to an orgasm for them both.

During her time playing in the threesome, Ellen said she clearly remembered being watched by others, and the mesmerized look on the face of a woman who watched for a while, and she found that she liked being watched. Afterward, Ellen and the couple chatted for a while and they helped her get dressed back into her corset with its many hooks up the back, and then Ellen excused herself to go pee and catch a little alone time--it was intense for her and she needed space.

After I left to return to Africa, Ellen wrote up her whole story of the night, and of this couple she said "Fucking him was good...but she was fucking awesome to be able to touch and kiss. I did not go down on her but that was as close as I have ever been to being interested in giving it a try."

I find that to be an incredibly hot thing to read, but this is the typical male fantasy--two beautiful women eating each other, and one of them my own wife!

Eventually, Ellen wandered out again, getting a snack, chatting with others, dancing a bit, and returning to watch the play some more. She found herself with Ron and Nora at the top of the stairs to the upper play area. They were also taking a break and watching, but Ron got very close to Ellen and soon she was leaning into him and his hands were roaming and they were kissing and she was being finger fucked at the top of the stairs with people passing all around her. Ron asked if she wanted to fuck and she replied with a husky "yes." They found a special "froggy chair" amidst mattresses with three other couples looking on, and at Ron's prompting Ellen decided to try it out. Once her panties were off and she was on the chair laying back with her legs wide open, Ron continued to fuck her with his fingers with lots of people looking on. She took Ron's cock in hand and stroked him hard, and then Ron started fucking her with a large audience. I said before that Ron is well endowed, and Ellen tells me that he has a strong reputation among the women as a really good fuck. He also has a bag of toys, and he offered to use a clit vibrator but Ellen declined--she's always been very into penetration, and he was filling her up and hitting all the right spots. "I could feel that I was headed on the right trajectory toward an amazing orgasm," she wrote me later, "so I just wanted to be fucked more and more.  Soon it started and I had a really great-prolonged orgasm that led to Ron having an orgasm, as well."

She said she was very shaky climbing down from the chair, and ready for another break and bed. Ron and Nora, who had just shown up from her own playtime, went off to bed and Ellen went to get a drink of juice before retiring. She passed by a man named Phil who she'd met earlier during dinner and liked, and he asked if she wanted to play. Although Phil was an interesting prospect--physically very different from most men, but a tempting fantasy--she declined. Ellen had had enough for the night.

Like her first time, Ellen didn't sleep well. Early in the morning she showered and dressed and walked around the grounds waiting for others to wake up, waiting for breakfast. Some people went off to play again, and Ellen considered it but isn't really a morning person. After breakfast, she and Kelly and the other ladies headed home to Kelly's house. Ron and Nora followed, so that Nora could borrow some of Kelly's clothes for another event. At Kelly's house, Ellen was surprised to find Ron getting close again, and she was tempted to enjoy his cock again--it was clear that Nora and Kelly wouldn't mind--but decided to head home instead. She said that as she was driving, she began regretting having passed up the opportunity to "take advantage of that cock again."

Well, later that evening once the boys were in bed, Ellen got another fuck, this time from me. We were both well primed even though she was exhausted from the night before and I had pulled a muscle in my back. I love to finger fuck and Ellen was ready for that, too, and came quickly, then at my request (because of my back) Ellen climbed on top of me and my cock was soon buried happily in her wet pussy. This is a position I have always loved but that Ellen doesn't necessarily prefer--she likes the feeling of a man on top of her. Still, she enjoys the control it gives her and she came a few times, thrusting and grinding away with me deep inside her. That feeling for me is amazing--her grinding my cock, coming and twitching while I get to watch her whole body buck and tremble. And soon we were coming together. It felt really good, and helped us reconnect.

The whole story of Ellen's experience was exciting and, yes, a little disturbing. I was still getting that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling listening to her description of other men fucking her, but on the whole it was a huge turn-on. I was ambivalent about the idea of Ellen fucking someone that morning and was in some ways relieved that she hadn't while also a little disappointed that she'd passed up the opportunity. It's a strange thing, holding two competing emotions at the same time. And I'm excited by the idea that Ellen could have so much fun fucking Ron and enjoying his big talented cock, while at the same time wishing I had both the size and the staying power he apparently has. Ron is a good 10-15 years older than me, but doesn't seem to suffer from the effects of age in the cock department. Maybe it's the fact that he's kept exercising the relevant muscles and mindset for many years, whereas for me, it's been a long period of less and less interest and action...at least until very recently. The old use-it-or-loose-it problem.

When I was younger I could go for a long time, staying hard and holding my orgasm until I was ready to come. I can still hold my orgasm--if anything it takes some concentration on my part before I can get to the point of no return. I've been able to experience multiple dry orgasms recently when I masturbate, which is a lot of fun. But the cooperation of my cock and the longevity of my erection is where the uncertainty lies, even when I masturbate at times. And that is a source of some anxiety--if and when I do end up with another woman in my arms, will I be able to perform? I love to eat and finger fuck women to orgasm, and have satisfied Ellen and previous girl friends that way, but Ellen really likes penetration and that's also the case with many other women. I want to do that, too, and do it well. And most of all I want to be a good lover to Ellen when we are playing together.

On the whole, I'm happy with our choice so far. Ellen is getting fucked and satisfied in ways she hasn't in many years. My interest in making love to Ellen and in sex in general has certainly been rekindled and burns brightly. I enjoy the stories Ellen shares of her experiences, and am eager for more. But I am also confronted with my own limits, and grapple with envy--of Ellen's ability to get involved easily (she is a beautiful woman), and of the men like Ron who are able to satisfy her in ways I may not. I have little doubt that Ellen will eventually fuck some or all of the black men she saw at the club--she is clearly interested and they were clearly willing and able, but were otherwise engaged. That forces me to confront other issues that I've always felt I was above--why do we even say "black" men, anyway? Perhaps because it's another old social taboo. Again I find the idea both exciting and discomfiting, and can only assume that I still harbor cultural hang-ups which I had assumed I was above. But if this lifestyle we are exploring has taught me anything, it's that we can only get over our hang-ups by confronting them without fear, and that I am happy to do.

We have already learned so much about ourselves and each other, and the benefits have been huge. We talk about our relationship and our sex life so much more, and more freely, than ever before. The trust we have in each other is the foundation, as it must be, and we are testing its strength and finding it durable so far. Yes, there are times when we both struggle with our feelings, but that's all part of the growth. And to be honest, I do at times feel like we are dancing on a tightrope without a net and struggling to stay balanced in a blustery wind. But the wind feels fresh and the balance is good practice and the dance is fun.

I've had a couple weeks to mull this over, including Ellen's email with all the great details, which I read sitting in an airport terminal waiting to board my plane back to Africa. Next to me was a grandmother, and across the way a family, and I was surround by hundreds of other people as I read the most intimate details of my wife fucking other people. And it was fun! I loved the secret feeling, but also looking up and wondering who around me was also into this lifestyle--the young couple going on safari? The business woman typing on her laptop? The granny in the seat next to me?

Two days before I left, we went back to the club together and I was able to meet some of the people Ellen had told me about, including Vicky and Phil. Ellen pointed out the sexy woman and her husband that she had played with during the Halloween party, but unfortunately they didn't approach us. Everyone looked so normal...if you ignored what they were or weren't wearing. And the atmosphere was so open and honest.

Being there together for the first time was fun and liberating and again a little troubling for us both, but that's a story for the next posting.

You can read Ellen’s version of the Halloween party on her blog –  Blissfully Open

The Day After: Hot Wife Debut

"...I fucked two men I just met and had my first bi-sexual experience. And...just typing this is making me horny as hell."

That's the Skype message I got this morning from my wife Ellen after her first visit to a "Lifestyle" club. It was also when she suggested that I start a blog about our experiences and my feelings. So here it goes.

Ellen (okay, it's a pseudonym) and I have been together for 20 years, and after kids and careers and just plain familiarity and boredom, our sex life had lost its thrill. Oh, we were hot for each other those first ten years or so--Ellen was young and sexy and adventurous, I was young and keen to please, and we had a lot of fun, including memorable cucumber-centered sex in Greece and a hot anal session on a balcony overlooking a canal in Venice. But even though we lived and worked abroad and had some great experiences as a family, the spark was slowly fading. I worked too hard, Ellen worked too hard, we gave so much attention to our kids that there simply wasn't any energy left for each other. And time takes a toll, on my libido and performance, and on Ellen's energy, mood, and body. She has struggled with mild depression, and after our second child was born and Ellen started working, she gained some weight around her middle, and lost some confidence as she saw that I no longer looked at her with keen interest. I grew up under the influence of Playboy and Penthouse--I'm sexually attracted to women who are fit. Not necessarily thin, but in shape. And I like women who are self-confident and playful. She likes men who are take-charge and energetic enough to keep up with her. So my interest waned over time and I just didn't have the energy to be assertive and get things rolling once the kids were in bed at the end of a long day and we finally had time alone.

A few years ago we confronted the situation. I admitted that my libido was lower, but also that I didn't find her particularly sexually appealing anymore. She was hurt. Very hurt. But as time passed, we were able to talk about it more. Eventually, Ellen quit her job (which she didn't like anyway) and started exercising. I got a full physical to see if there was something going on hormonally, but nothing turned up other than the natural aging process. Still, things weren't getting better. I got some Viagra, but my libido wasn't improving so I never took advantage. And Ellen wasn't really losing weight and still struggled with depression. But hard as it was sometimes, at least we were talking about it.

Then last spring Ellen asked me what I thought about her having liposuction. After a lot of research and some tense discussions, she made an appointment, and this summer it happened. Recovery wasn't fun--she was bruised and achy. But she definitely had her curves back, and as the weeks passed something else came back--her self-confidence and sense of adventure. She had a sparkle in her eyes again. I liked what I saw. She was sexy both physically and emotionally. And just when she was feeling well enough for us to try and rekindle our spark, I had to leave for a four-month trip abroad.

But that wasn't the end. Because we had also discussed the need to leave behind all the assumptions about monogamy, the social constructs, the subconscious puritanism, and admit that what we needed was other people. We'd been talking about opening our marriage since before we had kids. First it was just fantasy and hot talk to spice up our sex life. It helped for a while, but the effects waned over time. We were just too familiar with each other, and the recent years had put too much pressure on each of us to be everything sexually to the other. We inhibited each other with all the emotional baggage that people acquire over a long relationship. So we agreed to take the plunge.

There have been plenty of times since Ellen and I got together when I've met a woman that I was attracted to and whom I would have pursued if given the option. I never did pursue, and felt self-satisfied in my self-control and proud of my loyalty to Ellen. It turns out I probably should have asked her for permission to roam. I think she would have said yes.

Ellen made the first moves after I left on my trip two months ago. She signed up on some lifestyle websites, and soon had many men contacting her. She also reached out to a few old lovers, including Adam, who lives on the other side of the country but is very much into open relationships. Adam provided a lot of guidance, and not a few hot phone-sex sessions. Ellen kept me informed, and I discovered the meaning--both literally and emotionally--of compersion. I got off on the idea of Ellen having phone sex with someone else. She also met Bill through ashleymadison.com. His initial email interested her and he lives less than an hour away. As they emailed back and forth, and eventually met for coffee, Ellen learned that Bill's wife is very much into the whole open lifestyle scene. Like me, Bill works abroad a lot and his wife Kelly has a high sex drive, so years ago he encouraged her to have sex with others. Ellen met both of them at a restaurant a few weeks ago, and although nothing happened beyond some very frank conversation--Kelly is very blunt and "approved" of Bill's interest in Ellen--they have become her mentors. Bill is very keen to hook up with Ellen, but he didn't have a chance before starting his most recent six-month work trip abroad. Nonetheless, they still have steamy SMS and email sessions. Ellen has also been doing some shopping for new lingerie and sex toys, and has sent some great photos of herself to me as well as to Bill and Adam. I even got something very unexpected; photos of Ellen with her fingers in her wet pussy. Those have relieved many a lonely night for me!

So far, so good. Lot's of enticement and safe flirting and long-distance mutual masturbation, all of which I've enjoyed talking and texting and emailing about with Ellen, all of which has increased my libido. I've also explored opportunities around me, but they are more constrained for many reasons. I'm in Africa where sex needs to be hyper-safe, where I can buy sex locally but don't want to for health and ethical reasons, and where most expats are either young singles or older couples with kids, and the intersection between work life and social life is very tight--everyone knows everyone. But I'm still looking and hoping, while also seeking women closer to home for when I'm there. I contacted a few through websites, but have only had one actual exchange, and that was with a 23 year old in Australia--not too promising.

So last week, Kelly told Ellen that friends of her and Bill--a couple they often play with together--would be going to a lifestyle club in the next state over, and encouraged Ellen to meet them there. Ellen asked me about it, and I encouraged her to go. So she arranged an overnight trip after making arrangements for the kids to overnight with my brother. And off she went, with sexy new dress, undies, and leather  boots. She sent me photos before she left the hotel. She looked hot.

Ellen told me she probably would just watch this first time. I told her to enjoy herself, regardless. I really didn't expect her just to watch.

Well, she didn't.

She met up with two couples who regularly go to the club, and who usually get together in one of the private rooms to swap spouses and have fun. After the initial introductions and chit chat, some exploration of the various places around the club, including plenty of people watching, voyeurism, and a whole lot of interest in Ellen from various men, the two couples went off in search of a free room together, and invited Ellen to tag along. The men were definitely hot for her, and apparently the women were, too.

The four of them got right down to business, which surprised Ellen. There wasn't much in the way of flirting or foreplay, they just got naked and the men's heads dove between the women's legs while the women kissed and sucked each others nipples. And it didn't take long before Ellen decided that watching just wasn't enough. She stripped and soon enough had both men taking oral turns between her legs, a woman sucking her nipples and eventually sucking her pussy. She ended up getting fucked by both men, although not at the same time. She said the men were really good at getting her off orally--one even had a dildo that strapped to his chin so he could lick her and chin fuck her at the same time. When I asked if she came, she said "several times." One of the men is better endowed than I am, which Ellen really liked, but apparently he didn't stay with her long enough for her to come while he fucked her.

After a while, she needed a break. The visual and aural and physical sensations were beginning to overwhelm her, as was the novelty of it all, so she got dressed, went off to pee and have a bite to eat, and decided she'd had enough of the couples. She wanted to explore some of the upstairs areas but wasn't sure she could do so alone and keep her wits about her, and she wanted to stay in control. Eventually one of the couples emerged from the room and found her, and they left together and dropped Ellen back at her hotel.

I'd been eager to hear how her night had gone, and was happy to find a Skype text much earlier than I expected that said "I can't sleep. Why can't I sleep??" She had woken early the next morning, but I was really glad, because we had an amazing Skype conversation. She toyed with me as she told the whole story of the day before, from dropping off the kids with my brother to driving for a few hours through a heavy rain to meeting the other couples. Ellen described the club and what was going on, from the sexy pole dancer to the hot amazon dancing in a cage, to the threesomes and moresomes in various corners of the club. I loved hearing about it from her, listening to the thrill in her voice.

I was also eager to know if she "just watched." Once she got to the part where they were all in the room together, I grinned and asked. After a brief hesitation, she giggled, "No."

I flushed hot, and felt a strange knot in my belly, and my cock, which had been semi erect throughout the conversation, suddenly faded. Hmm, what's this? I wondered. Taking a deep breath, I said to Ellen, "Tell me."

As Ellen described her experiences of the men sucking and fucking her, of the women caressing and licking her, my excitement returned and my cock perked up but the knot in my belly didn't go away. I was excited and happy for her, but there was something unsettling, too. This is what we'd talked about. This is what she had wanted, and what I had encouraged. But she had just crossed a bridge in our relationship, and there was no going back. Ellen clearly wanted more, and she said so, because when I asked if she was satiated, she told me no, that she wished she had a hard cock to fuck right then and there as she lay in bed 9,000 miles away from me. She was just bubbling over, tired though she was from a short and very restless night's sleep. She was still horny from the experience and horny from telling me about it.

After we hung up, I took a cold shower, since I was meeting up with a work colleague for dinner. All evening I mulled over in my head how I was feeling. Later when I got back to my apartment, I went online and did some reading about feelings of jealousy and uncertainty in open relationships. It helped. Finally I was able to put a name to what I was feeling. It was envy. Not jealousy of the men who'd fucked Ellen, not jealousy of the women who had sucked and played with her, but envy that she'd crossed the bridge and I was still on the other side, looking across at Ellen's joy and excitement. As one of the men told her the night before, "now you're a Hot Wife." Indeed she is.

So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I logged into ashleymadison.com and sent messages to some women who seemed interesting, hoping to find someone to play with when I get home. I'll be back for a short visit home soon, and the night after I arrive Ellen already has plans to spend an evening with Kelly and others at a different club. We both know I'll be too jet-lagged to participate, and anyway I need to spend time with the kids. Besides, Ellen really wants to explore without me because I inhibit her still. If I was there, she'd be worried what I was thinking and she wouldn't be able to focus only on what she wants. It's true, but it also unsettles me. At some point I want to see and experience the fun with her, but for now, she needs space. And I need to have my own experiences. I want to cross that bridge, too!

You can read Ellen’s version of her Hotwife Debut on her blog –  Blissfully Open